28 January 2005

Gayatri Mantra

Theoretically that's supposed to help me get through this moment. The trouble is, I want to blip this moment. To get through it without identifying it, in all its discomfort and pain and crusty crankiness. But the only way out is through. I hate that.

How can I tell him again and again I don't want to go out to Reading this weekend? That being out there depresses me, to say nothing of the four hour drive each way. I have told him, and he was stunned, because he had never realized the trouble I was having, with those memories, and that anxiety. But these months later he's already forgotten.

And I'm tired. Not sleepy, not needing sleep or up too long or needing to catch up or nappish. Just tired. Done, drained, empty, in need of refueling, thud. Need to nurse my small self, this one-sprout seedling, without using up what little store of emotional reserve I have.

Not to mention I have the damn dog. The dog whom I love dearly, whom I miss when I don't see her for days....but it costs a lot, emotionally, psychically, to take care of an 87-pound being who misses her constant companion. (I should know. I don't weigh all that much more than she.) I want to wash my kitchen floor, lounge in front of the fire, pay the rent which was due last week but we managed to fuck up jointly, do nothing, do yoga, be Sara and absorb my tranquil surroundings.

10 January 2005



The catastrophic plague that has been sweeping the office.


I have it.

Great. I always wanted to be an It Girl.

Sherry, I need your snail mail address. The most recent one I have for you is the house in Brighton. Please email me. And yeah, this is what happens when you stick your head in an MDiv for a month. Shit happens, I get engaged and hit up by some serious microorganisms.

Let this be a lesson to us both.

I did, however, get a Christmas card from your mother congratulating me on my new job, so at least you're getting some of the news.