This Space Intentionally Left Blank

Although I think a much shorter and more comprehensive list would be entitled "Things I Get," that was not this week's assignment. So here goes, in no particular order (sort of like my life):

Marshmallow fluff. I appreciate it, especially paired with peanut butter on Arnold's Country White bread. But I don't get it.

Giraffes. People are surprised by this one. They want to know about platypuses. Those make total sense to me: leftover parts smorgasbord. No, it's giraffes I struggle to understand. It's not the long neck; I can deal with that. Someone's got to eat all those yummy green leaves (and everyone has their own Slurpee machine--wait, wrong post). It's the fact that they have tremendously long black tongues. Yes, black. And no vocal cords. How cruel is that? To be given all that space, all that equipment--and nothing to say. And did I mention their tongues are black? Poor giraffes.

Why my refrigerator has a light, but not my freezer. Don't my waffles need to see, too?

Why Snickers bars have a label that cautions, "Warning. May contain nuts." Yes, and so might the marketing department.

Algebra. Nuff said.

Gary Snyder's poetry. Again, I like it. Just don't get it. Same for Medbh MGuckian, except for the part about liking it.

Why God in his infinite wisdom has seen to give us two kidneys and one bladder. And then put a uterus on top of mine. I realise that space is at a premium here, but come on. Two processing plants and one holding tank? Couldn't you have at least had a better overflow valve? If nothing else, couldn't you have made it a shorter trip to the bathroom at midnight?

Why are Peeps always stale, even the day after Easter?

Why do people insist on writing "This page intentionally left blank" on an odd-page of a manuscript? Don't they get it? What about something like, "This page intentionally left otherwise blank" or "This page would have been left blank, except I had to go fuck it up by printing something useless on it, thereby wasting another tree" or even "Hi mom" ?

Where all the light brown m+m's went. I miss the tan ones.

Note that nowhere on this list has been found "Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?" That would be because the lovely Mary O'Brien of Twist patiently explained this to me one evening over homemade gingerbread. I'd always assumed it was because it doesn't rain hot water, but Mary-O assures me it's the agitation in the washing process that felts wool, as much as anything in the temperature of the water. I'd theoretically have to follow them around in the pasture and "zhuzh" them one at a time if I wanted them to felt. Or perhaps I could find another way to agitate them, like sneaking up behind them and yelling "Lamb chops! Mutton! Haggis!!" That would likely be highly agitating to a sheep.