Ladies (and gentlemen, for that matter), please do not attempt this at home. I am a trained professional.
"Ass Kisser is a pain-relieving solid massage salve for all the damage you do to your body. It is strongly warming and comforting for bruises, strains, sprains, & most other aches and pains."
"o.b. is the only tampon in the U.S. that doesn't have an applicator. In fact, with o.b., your index finger is the only applicator you need."
I believe Step Three needs no further explanation.